So uh. Hey.
This is a specific page I've made to be private, no one can really get here without an exact URL which... who's gonna guess, really, so no need to worry, either way this file will be deleted off my neocities (or archived) after a while, I don't know.
Anyway, what is this? why did I write paragraphs in this page? Eh, I don't know, I've been thinking about... stuff, how this year has been for me, and how it has been for you, and I guess I want to voice my thoughts out about you, obviously nothing bad-- Just... I don't want to sound like a narc but I do hope I can encourage you in some way, if that makes any sense?
I could go on and on about what this is instead of just saying things so... let's do that. I'm happy we are still friends, frankly it is surprising we are still uh, "tight" or whatever people say, like, we talk everyday. (sure there's a day or two we might not but that's fine) and while that doesn't guarantee a close friendship with anyone, we have that I'd say that, you've taught me a lot in many ways and I'd like to think I've done at least a bit of that to you as well, positively of course. I've known you since my fourth year of HS, while you still had two left (I think, I'm pretty sure.), I was 17 and...eh you can tell that aside from how I typed at first (yes I still think how you mentioned you thought I was a chick, I'm actually quite glad about that and I chuckle when it crosses my mind) I was a bit of...a troubled person I guess, I mean, I still think I am, you most likely have noticed the amount of times I say "hope you're okay" or check about how comfortable you are for things, hell, I'm hoping that if you're reading this you're comfortable reading it, most of it is politeness of course, but I also have the need to make sure, or double check, which... yeah it sometimes gets us in some misunderstandings when I don't ask things properly... not that I'm upset about it, we always end up understanding each other anyway; I've said before how I "know that you aren't really into this emotional stuff" and... yeah I mean I typically tend to assume it isn't something you like to put into words, specially through text, because it can be weird, and it is, a bit, but... I dunno, I have trouble speaking vocally a lot and I written more than spoken, but I guess that's normal for some.
Frankly the main reason I'm doing this is uh... well, right now it's 4 in the morning, I think you're off napping or something, I feel a bit.. sappy, i think, that might be the word, not extremely over sentimental but I certainly think of things, and hey, it might be the shell shock from the flood talking here but during that I actually...felt cared for, and I really do appreciate that, I'm sure you're saying something like "well duh you're my friend" and yeah if you were in this situation i'd be blowing up your phone the mere moment I sense you're online (believe it or not sometimes i have hunches yes i am schizophrenic how could you tell), and i don't know, maybe it might seem natural to you or maybe it isn't, but I am really thankful, and I guess this whole spaghetti rant is just a way of me showing that... you matter, not only to me, but in general, I see you push yourself down a lot and in a way it reminds me of myself, and sure it worries me, but I also hope for it to "get better" in how you see yourself, so to speak, but this isn't me judging you or giving you constructive criticism, god knows i'm bad at giving myself feedbac. I wanted to write all of this as some kind of retrospective of this year, like, a letter? yeah, I suppose you could call this a letter, virtual one-- I mean, not like I can write a physical one anyway, so hey, why not.
right before summer i'd argue things got...shitty and honestly, talking to you, sharing our interests, hell even calling if it wasn't a whole bunch of times? It was fun, I loved doing that, then spending summer talking even more, discussing more things, trying my best to cheer you on for uni (which i don't plan on stopping unless you tell me otherwise by the way), then starting out, figuring how things work and, well, again, the flood... you know today makes it a month, yeah! it was a month ago! it's nuts how it still feels like yesterday, laying down on the floor, staring out the window, managing to get a bit of data to text you that i was still alive, knowing that you were worrying was...nice in a way, I mean the idea of making you worry and thus being in pain isn't obviously but, you know like I said, I appreciated the concern, I still do, and hell, playing with you when I was back to safety? It felt like a reward in a way, it made me feel like someone actually wanted to spend time with me without me having to question it
Anyway, this is a long enough rant, and, hey, year's almost over, I hope we are still friends by the end of the next one, and, well, if by then you're still up for it, I sure want to hang out in summer, I want to give you that ring, the CD, other stuff... I don't know, it's something to look forward to and it makes me excited for once in my life
I hope the new year treats you well Xé, and I hope you can treat yourself better, you're strong and smart, no matter what you might overthink, you're a great person, and I mean it.